SHATTERED LOVE: A PLEA FOR HELP
March 27, 2011 by Admin
Filed under Relationships
By Sharon D. Allison-Ottey, M.D. AKA “Dr. Sharon†is an energetic, motivating and insightful speaker and author who shares her expertise in the area of health, wholeness and self-esteem particularly focused on women.
Visit drsharononline.com to learn more.
The Plea…
Dear Dr. Sharon,
I am 44 years old, have three children and left my husband four months ago. I know that God hates divorce but my husband has been physically and emotionally abusive to me since the second year of our 14-year marriage.
My husband is a good man, he’s a Deacon in the church and on the outside we were the perfect Christian family. However, my life with him was a nightmare and the violence got worse over the years. I left after he threw me down the stairs in front of our 13-year- old son who then grabbed a knife to defend me. My husband beat him so badly that the school called child protective services.
I have a restraining order against him but he keeps calling, asking me to come back, and he has people in the church talking to me about forgiveness. I have not told anybody at church why I left and so it looks like I am out of the will of God.
I wish I could say that I don’t still love my husband and that I’m comfortable with the idea of divorce. I wish I could say that I will never go back but I can’t. I’m in my mid-40s, overweight and don’t have a college degree. What other man is really going to look at me? I know my husband needs me and I believe he loves me. What should I do?
-Melanie Providence, Rhode Island
The Response…
Dear Melanie,
First and foremost you and your children and even your husband are in my prayers. I believe that psychological illness causes spousal and child abuse. However, while we can pray for you all, there is nothing that you have said that warrants me advising that you go back into this dangerous relationship.
He’s not a “good†man; he’s a violent, abusive man. According to the Centers for Disease Control, 1 in 4 women in the US are victims of domestic violence at some point in their lives. Domestic violence disregards boundaries of race, age, sexual orientation, religion, gender, socioeconomic background or educational level. Every 9 seconds in the US, a man beats a woman. Each day, more than three women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends.
The greatest hold that abusers have over their victims is fear and silence. I suggest that you speak with your Pastor and tell him about the situation in confidence. Your concern must be for your family— your son should know that real men don’t beat their wives and if you have daughters, they need to know that being physically or emotionally abused is not an option.
Christ did not belittle, negate, berate, beat or damage the church. Therefore, your hus- band is not allowed to do the same to you.
My sister, I plead with you to seek psychological counseling and support. If you had a broken arm you’d go to a medical doc- tor; you have a broken and abused “spirit†and you need to be made whole; a mental health professional can help you.
God can mend your heart and spirit. Don’t return to an abusive relationship or think about a new relationship without professional psychiatric and spiritual counseling.
Comments
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My heart goes out to Melanie. She can use this time to seek healing not only for herself, ut her children especially. Returning to an abusive environment would send a terrible message to her hildren, and could create deep feelings of resentment towards her for not protecting them from their father’s abusive behavior. It seems like it’s well past time for her to move on – hopefully with support from family, friends and sound Christian counselors who can assist her in the process.
Blessings and Healing,
Rasheda McGuire, LCPC
Melanie,
Please take this from a man. I agree with Dr. Sharon that you need to talk to your pastor or someone that you can trust. The devil’s scheme is to steal, kill and destroy by making you feel alone; and that is what he will accomplish if you stay silent about what is really going on. He knows the sheep are much more vunerable when it is away from the flock, which includes emotionally as well as physically and spiritually. Also, you should let somenone else know for safety reasons. You never know what your ex is going to do next. Especially if he thinks he can get away with it.
I also agree that your ex is NOT a good man. The devil wants you to believe that. Nor is he a godly man, otherwise, he would not abuse you or your son. A godly man knows how to lead without being a dictator and abuser.
Finally, another man will want you. It is not that outside that matters, but your heart condition. A mature man, which I think you would want, looks at the heart. He knows, that you are the apple of God’s eye and the good thing he desires. You are fearfully and wonderfully made by God. Dont let the devil steal that truth from you.
women get remarried with kids all the time. Don’t focus on that right now though, focus on putting your life in order. take this time to do some soul searching. you can go back to shool, change careers , start a exercise regime not for the purpose of losing weight but because it is a good stress reliever and it will improve your health. plan a family get away with your kids it doesnt have to be expensive or extravagant and stay in the church. also establish a solid support system behind you. you are Gods child and with time he will bless you with a better husband. pray on it and ask him to plant the right person in your life , that will support you and love you wether you are a size 22 or or size 2. a spouse that will love your kids like you do. in do season it will be granted to you.
You really make it seem so easy with your presentation but I find this matter to be actually something that I think I would never understand. It seems too complex and extremely broad for me. I am looking forward for your next post, I’ll try to get the hang of it!