Need a Marriage Makeover?
May 23, 2010 by Admin
Filed under Relationships
“What can I do to save my marriage?†As a counselor, this is the most frequently asked question that I encounter. If you take seriously the covenant of marriage between a husband, wife and God, it is painful to even consider divorce as an option. So, what can couples do to bridge the gap left in their marriages from issues of infidelity, loss of trust, abandonment, neglect, abuse, fatigue, financial hardship, harmful addictions, etc. What do you do when the pain of remaining with someone is so overwhelming that divorce seems like the only escape to peace and sanity?
First, let’s identify key issues that make researchers conclude that between 40% and 60% of new marriages will eventually end in divorce. (Brian K. Williams, Stacy C. Sawyer, Carl M. Wahlstrom, Marriages, Families & Intimate Relationships, 2005). One of the glaring problems is that our society teaches us that everything and everyone in our lives requires work and maintenance except our marriages. Hollywood has hoodwinked us into believing that once we say “I Doâ€, everything will fall magically into place and we will ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after.
We all recognize that owning a home requires constant maintenance and a regular financial investment. We bring children into the world and we automatically shift into parent mode providing for their needs and carefully crafting a future for them. We even purchase automobiles and diligently change the oil, follow a prescribed maintenance plan, and secure the proper insurance. However when it comes to marriage we put our lives on autopilot and assume that somehow things will work themselves out. My mother used to tell me, “Whatever you did to get him, you got to do the same thing to keep him.†I’ve often reminisced about the amount of work I put into my relationship while dating. I never wanted to appear in a negative light. I went out of my way to be supportive and flattering. You get the point!
Your marriage must become sacred, precious, and a top priority.
God thought so much of marriage that he created a wife specifically for Adam so that he would not be alone. If the enemy can destroy our marriages he can destroy our families. Children of divorced parents lack a Godly example of a two-parent, loving, spirit-filled home. Many of us wonder why our children end their marriages in divorce once they have matured, but we failed to recognize that a generational curse has been introduced into our families. We allow our children to hear us talk negatively about their other parent. They see us verbally (and sometimes physically) assault one another.
We must end the attack on our marriages and families and change the discouraging statistics! What can you do to be proactive about keeping your marriage and family healthy? Here are a few biblically-based steps to help you “divorce-proof†your marriage and protect your family:
Create a Marriage Plan. The purpose of a written marriage plan is to provide direction, content, structure and purpose to your marriage. Just as you, as an individual, have a God ordained purpose, so does your marriage. If you’re not certain what that purpose is, pray about it, then talk to your spouse. Reassess your gifts and abilities and share your heart’s passion until God’s purpose is crystal clear. Then write it down as a mission or vision statement (Habakkuk 2:2-3) for your marriage. What do you want to accomplish together (e.g., successfully rear our children, finish our degrees, start a business, work together in ministry, write a book, own property, etc).
Cultivate Your Love Life. Marriage takes work. This work isn’t one-sided but the load is equally shared; which makes it seem much lighter (Eph. 5: 22-25). Work on how you talk to one another. Use love language that is certain to affirm, build up, and support your spouse. Set aside a date night once a week or twice a month. Find a sitter and spend time alone simply sharing your dreams. Take vacations together and remember that little things (e.g., a home cooked meal, a single flower, a massage, an encouraging word) mean a lot.
Center Your Marriage In Christ. A relationship devoid of Christ is a relationship headed for divorce. The trials and tribulations that you face daily, coupled with the reality that your spouse, as well as you, are flawed human beings, is enough to end the strongest marriage. Never forget that your marriage vows included a covenant with God; and with God all things are possible (Matt. 19:26). Continue to invite God into your marriage to guide, comfort, protect and keep you and your spouse.
I hope you will begin taking the necessary steps to fortify your marriage “before†and not “after†any breakdown. Value the gift of marriage and family, recognizing that there are many people who would love to be married with children. Remember, marriage will work if you work at it!
- Lisa M. Tait, M.A., M.Div., D.Min., serves as an Adjunct Professor at the ITC, a pastoral counselor and co-host of Relationship Thursday on Praise 102.5 FM (Radio One). She is author of Women of Destiny: Five Principles For Pursuing Your Purpose in God. Visit her at www.drtait.com
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I’ve been married for 5 years. This is my second marriage and my husbands 4th. We have separated twice, each time coming back to “make our marriage work” I will say that one of the causes for our 1st separation (me filing for divorce) has been resolved. The verbal abuse and some emotional abuse has ceased. The cause for the second separate (no filing for divorce…i removed myself from our home) constant distrust, accusing of other men, mistreatment towards my son. The ONLY thing he has corrected has been the treatment toward my son. Slowly the accusations are returning, so much so to the point that i’m being accused of a family (not the first one) that actually prayed for and with us to bring us back together. I do believe had I know listened to the family member I would’ve stayed gone and eventually filed for divorce. We no longer visit with the family member (a married family member whom both the wife and husband shared with both of us) any mention of them creates an argument. I know that it’s the devil that has planting this seed in his mind, but how do we move past it.
Our thinking is different. If I do anything for anyone, I’m “placing them before him.” HELP
Dear Dee,
Thank you for sharing your story and your pain. Your marital history is quite complicated and it appears that the hurt and mistrust is deep and layered. There is no easy answer or remedy to your situation. If you hope to see your marriage survive and perhaps thrive you must get professional help. The verbal abuse, mistrust, etc., is a horrible human condition that is the result of people that are hurting… hurting other people. It’s easy to blame the devil and thereby relinquish everyone of responsibility but the truth is you guys need to be in counseling. Seek a good, Godly spiritual counselor in your area and tell your husband that the only way the marriage can survive is if the two of you give it your best effort. You need a neutral party to help.
HOW I CAN HELP SOMEONE MARRIED,WHO SAY TI OVER WHEN YOU SEE IT NOT,
I have been married for nine years and I am experiencing a honeymoon AGAIN…but to get here, required constant prayer and sensitivity to the Holy Spirit, limited conversation (learn to be quiet), and consistant, unconditional love. Men in general and my husband in particular is the type of person that when something bothers him, he internalizes…but the thing still came out in other ways…misdirect comments, anger and pain. I asked what was wrong…was it me? But it wasn’t me, yet I was catching all the comments. During this time, I did seek GODLY counsel–meaning I spoke to a Christian marriage counselor who prayed with me and helped me to refocus on my role as a praying Christian wife as well as acknoledge and validate my feelings (i.e. sanity check) and I prayed and prayed and supplicated and surrounded myself with sound doctrinal teaching on the life of a worshiper, the names of God-knowing Him, and the law of confession. One day after several months of seeking God’s face and seemingly no change, there was a change a BIG RADICAL change. (Remember, when you pray and say YOU TRUST GOD–you will be tested to see just where your faith is…when I rested–meaning I did not panic..when I released my husband to do what he believed God was telling him to do (I admit I did not “see” it, but when I submitted to his headship) that is when I experienced my husband in a restored state–loving me unconditionally, and in responding to me in the way that Christ would love on the church…I had always prayed for this type of marriage, but I had not asked God to prepare me for the process of getting there! Pray in the Spirit..that your joy be complete and entire, wanting nothing! Blessings my fellow saints…
That’s really good stuff Robin! I’m so happy for you and your husband,
My husband and I have been married for four years now. During our first year, he continued to communicate with his ex, even sharing intimate details of our marriage with her. He even traveled with his family for a funeral and had dinner with her. His reason: Because he wanted to see her. In February of 2009, he said he did not want to be married anymore. We went to counseling in March 2009, but he was still adamant about getting a divorce. I moved out in July of 09 and we stayed separated until December 09. He bought his ex a ring and planned to ask her to marry him. This devastated me. I truly believed God to rectify this situation. My husband came back in November 09 and asked to reconcile. I was elated and we went to counseling. Things were going well and for some reason he became distant. I found out he was sharing intimate details of our marriage with another “friend” and was even texting this young lady from our home between 9 p.m and midnight. I was home, but asleep. I want to trust him, but he keeps giving me reason not to. I love him dearly, but this is getting to be too much. Adultery starts with a conversation and goes from there. I need help and much prayer.
Hey
God bless and keep you.One of the things my spiritual mom would always ask me is if I can stand to see him or think about him with someone else. The answer for me was no I could not. It was not until I truly gave God my last yes am I able to rise up in God and have my being in Him. You cannot make your husband want to be with you, but you have to know that you have to have to peace of God for you. Sometimes we allow our men/husband to drive us to do things that we normally would not do, but step back and allow God to be God. I guess the first thing is getting in a church where you all can truly get some Godly counseling even when it is uncomfortable. The question becomes how many times do someone have to do this to us for us to realize that if they are not under the blood, they are not even aware of the things the enemy is getting them to do. I experienced part of what you did, and I realize that I was loosing my mind over things that I could not do anything about. I got Godly counseling for me first and then we went together. I will not work unless both parties are willing and dedicated to it. Additionally, if we are not willing to face ourselves it won’t work. God bless you. There is a book I want to recommend call “What to do When: from spiritual fulfillment to self-fulfillment nothing missing” It really gets you back to basics and allow God to be God. At this point, healing needs to come.
it sounds like alot of the women above should not have gotten married to the spouse they have. it takes two to make a marriage work yeah there are ups and downs , but sometimes it is just plain old stupidity. women can be alot more desperate to have someone to love them you have to love yourself first than you would be less likely to settle for the worse and only seek Gods very best.
Ihave been married 9 years me and my husband have been together since we were 18 years old and we are the best of friends. also when a man still talks to his ex it is a sign he has not let go of the past and is not ready for a future with anyone else. marriage is hard work already and there will be ups and downs but it should be more ups than downs. when you truly love someone there are certain things you would or wouldnt do. plus any problems that arise should pull you closer together not rip you apart. that is how you know ladies it is truly a healthy marriage and seek council before problems arise not just when they happen. always remember tell no one but God and you council about the issues in your marriage. people always remember your issues long after you and your spouse have forgiven and moved foward. always use your brain and not just your heart.