Are You In A Sex-Less Marriage?
December 6, 2010 by Admin
Filed under Relationships
By Dr. Lisa Tate
It’s been twenty years since Pam and John got married. During the first two years of their marriage there was plenty of romance. John would bring home flowers and the couple would spend passionate weekends together. On occasion, Pam would go in late to work in order to enjoy intimate time with John. Along with the their third wedding anniversary, they celebrated the birth of their first child. John felt “unprepared” for children, but Pam welcomed the opportunity to nurture their little one. In rapid succession, three more children were added to the family. John was over- whelmed and became increasingly disinterested in intimacy. Pam was so busy with the kids, she didn’t even notice. Now, as the last two kids are preparing to leave home for college, Pam and John have become more like “roommates.†Their “hots” have “cooled off†and, with a disappointing sigh of “that’s just how it is,” both have resigned themselves to a sexless marriage.
The Bible is clear that the husband must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband (Eph. 5:33). The question really becomes, “How loving or respectful is it to neglect one another’s intimacy needs? If we vowed to “love and to cherish (our spouse) from this day forward until death us do part,†is it “wrong†to allow the seemingly unavoidable demands and stresses of parenting, work, social outlets and spiritual activities to keep us from adhering to those vows?
Are you in a “sex-starved†marriage? Ac- cording to Dr. Andrew Atwood, author of Hopeful Solutions for Your Sexless Marriage, “As many as 17 million married couples are not having sex!†If you’re “starving†why not take some time during this holiday season to re-ignite or turn up the passion in your marriage!
4WaysTo
Re-Light The Fire
1. Be intentional about creating romantic moments. Don’t let daily routines and requirements get you in a rut. Be creative! Plan intimate settings, romantic date nights, and mini-vacations.
2. Be aware of your partner’s “passion points.†Women need attention and effort to get them in the mood. Be willing to pamper. Men are less complex but still like certain things. Don’t guess, Just ask!
3. Be sensitive and sensual. When you first married you connected emotionally through talking, looking into each others eyes and laughing together. Re-create emotional intimacy that will give way to physical intimacy (i.e. leave the computer out of the bed room).
4. Be helpful to your partner. Running a household, tending to kids, working inside or outside the home, cooking, etc., requires a lot of energy! Help your spouse with the chores. This will assist in creating a reservoir of energy for physical intimacy.
LOL, how did you know? I am a few months into experiencing this and I believe that, aside from a satanic attempt to destroy marriages there are serious hormonal imbalances in both men and women today due to poor diets and stressful lifestyles. Spouses, do not yield to the temptation to commit adultery. See your doctors, avoid conversations that add to stress, take a vacation, watch some funny movies that’ll build up good hormones. Thanks for the article!
I am in a sexless marriage, but it is due to medical conditions. I believe as a husband or wife to not take your spouse into consideration as far as your health and any other subject shows a lack of love for yourself and your spouse. There are things we all must or should be willing to do for our spouses because we love them and when a health issues comes up you have to take their feelings into thought as well as your own. I know this has caused a lot of divorces because of selfishness.
I’ve been married 8 1/2 years and–unfortunately–the majority of it has been sexless. The last time I was intimate with my wife was almost a year-and-a-half ago and I agree–a husband or wife must take the other’s feelings into consideration before deciding to “starve” their spouse. If we believe the Bible, then let’s believe it all the way!
Paul’s comments in 1 Cor. 7 are crystal clear–married couples should always be eager to renew and replenish their bonds of love in the marital bed, lest Satan tempt us for our “incontinency”. And the term “incontinency” in the King James Version is very accurate and says it all. If I have urinary “incontinence,” I may just need to wear a special undergarmet because it means I’ve got the ‘can’t help its’ and I’m subject to have an ‘accident’ before getting to the bathroom. In like manner, this also applies to the physical intimacy shared among us married folk.
When I got married, I didn’t take a vow of chasity. I’m not a priest, nor am I a recluse. And as such, I fully expect to be able to “get my groove on” with the wife I covenanted with. Selfishness has caused a lot of divorces. People need to think about that before they get together and start ruining other people’s lives….
This is very helpful for me to know that i am not alone in this. My spouse and I are not intimate like we use to be in our younger years and this is all about to much medication taken daily by my husband. We don’t even know what medication is doing to our lives, sometimes i feel left out of my husbands sex life, but he does other things to make up for our loss of sex. I want to encourage anyone that is going through the same thing, we didn’t just marry for sex so hang in there and don’t let the devil be a mind blinder to you. We all have to overcome some things in life, I assure you it is hard but I trust God
for my life and my mate.
I was in a sexless marriage for twelve years. (My husband is now deceased) What I do now is conduct seminars to help other couples cope with their sexless marriage and if they are planning on staying in thier marriage, I give them advice on how to make a sexless marriage work. God bless your hears.
You have to make time for one another and keep the romance in the marriage. You don’t know what the other person is thinking or feeling about the lack of sex in the marriage. My husband and I try to start off our week with sex to get the work week going we send text messages to each other doing the week and no matter how tired I am I wait up for him at least 2 nights a week because he works at night and I work doing the day. The weekend is our time and we spend most of the day together. This keeps us closer then ever, again you have to make time for each other or somebody else will and you don’t want that! We try to have sex at least 3 to 4 times a week no matter how tired we are and it’s great!
Taking care of your husbands sexual needs is a must and should be a top priority in any woman’s life for her husband. I do understand that medical situations can hinder that. So that is definitely an exception. Apart of our responsibilities as wives is to minister to our husband’s sexual needs. Denying him that is detrimental to his level of confidence and manhood. We say we want our husbands to be the king: As wives we want security, love, commitment, and our needs met (and supplied with abundance
If your husband is sacrificing to make sure all that is done, then not only should he be a king out there providing but he should also be a king in the bedroom. I’ve found and know some wives who have gotten distracted…or I should say “improperly imbalanced”, by way of their own children, their own jobs, or may be they are not interested in the intimacy of their husbands all together… but that only occurs when something else comes along and moves the husband from his rightful place. Another item has come in and distracted the wife from her call to minister to her husband. When he does not feel like he’s apart of center of your life (We know God is the center but follow me), then he WILL SHUT DOWN. A husband NEEDS to be intimate with his wife. Wives, if you don’t know…let me tell you…all though intimacy may not be that important to you…it is important to your husband. You may ask: How do I get back if we’ve been so long without intimacy? Start Over. It must start with Forgiveness and Prayer. Be Real (not vicious but talk with maturity and with love) with each other to begin the healing process. Restoration will soon follow. Court each other again. It may seem a bit foreign at first because of the longevity of the time but keep at it even if rejected/overlooked at first. Communicate. Spend time together. Real intimacy doesn’t just begin in the bedroom it starts throughout the day… flirt with him/her: small but intentional touches/glances, leaving a short/sweet note, sending a text letting him/her know that you are thinking of them… Anticipation is a great tool. It heightens Expectation.
This article is on point. Alisha, you said it all. I cannot understand how women fail to realize that they just got so busy that they neglected their husbands. It is like saying I got to busy to breathe. I have learned in my short 32 years of life that people will make time, effort, and money for that which they want to do. People just need to can all the excuses.
Im a Neglescted wife.. for years. We have NEVER had sex.My wedding night i cried myself to sleep. He claims all the excuses in the book. I tried everything ..including medical help Now after ten years I dont want to try anymore..years.I Feel Like we are more roomates, and i Dont feel the need anymore to connect .Hes not he most loving man but a wonderful provider. So Now what?? when inside me had died and he realizes it ..? He NOW is trying and i dont feel it ..Ive been pushed away and ignored. I didnt ignore his needs or wants..House clean, food done ..I worked.. im educated. Now i feel the need t o leave to finally breathe again.. He feels like smothering me now. AND IM AM MINISTER.Dont quote me scripture..please .Walk a mile in my shoes .