Christian, Single and Lonely? Girl, Please!
September 4, 2010 by Admin
Filed under Relationships
A recent article has caused tempers to flare and emails to fly.
The Black Church: How Black Churches Keep African American Women Single and Lonely by Deborah Cooper purports that the black church is at fault for so many black women being single and lonely; it says that black women place too much faith in both black men and black churches; while the church makes women feel inferior to men.
Clearly, a person who admits they haven’t darkened the door of a church since the age of six (as Cooper does), should not attempt to be an authority on what the church does or doesn’t do. Even non- journalists know that you can’t write about a subject as multi-faceted and diverse as the “Black church†without first-hand research. However, there were some interesting points that the article helped expose.
First, the article exposed a lack of understanding as to why a person should go to church. Cooper says that going to church will not get you the husband you seek; and she’s right. But that was never God’s agenda for church attendance and neither should it be yours.
Church is supposed to strengthen your relationship with God and other believers and build your faith. Anything else is a fringe benefit.
Second, the article exposed Cooper’s twisted perspective of Christian men. She wrote that the only men that can be found in a black church were either: losers working a 12-step program, openly gay or on the downlow, players on the prowl or elderly reformed players. She suggested that women get off their knees, stop listening to their pastors and open their eyes to the world around them.
I actually laughed when I read this. My first thought was, “Well, what’s the rest of the worlds’ excuse for being single and lonely?†Yes, black women are reportedly the largest uncoupled group of women, but we are not the majority. Statistics confirm that over 70% of Americans believe in God. So, if 60% of Americans are single, large chunks of Christians—both black and white—are single. I go to a predominantly white church, filled with beautiful single men (yes, I did say men!) and, many of the men and women at our church still seem unable to find one another. There are too many factors at work – war, crime, education and finances. We have to lot more to look at than the Black church; it’s called your life. Ms. Cooper, you missed this one by a mile!
What are your thoughts? Could Ms. Cooper be correct? Is the black church keep African American women and lonely? Share your thoughts! Feel free to write your comments or send us a video link on the topic.
Comments
No related posts.
I am Married man blessed with two kids, I don’t agree with Ms Cooper at all with what she says but I do feel that Black women should be encouranged to get married sooner maybe from the age of 21 because it does not help to abstain for a long time then start thinking about getting married. I got married at the age of 28 and I was stil a virgin as well but I really think in our churches we should find a way of motiviting our girls and boys to think about marriage while they are still young so that they can enjoy life while they are still young couple, God bless you
In response to Ms. Cooper’s comments re: African American women being single in “the black church,” there is no black church. Jesus Christ died for man to be redeemed and have a shot to get back in relationship to God. The body of Christ does not have a color.We are a diverse body with diverse needs and gifts and that’s what makes it so powerful and beautiful. What unifies us and makes us one is our faith, not our cultural background or complexion.
I am challenged by someone who has not been a part of something long enough to make such a broad statement about it. Were sources consulted who are a part of the entity called, “church?” All I can say is there is a wave of marriages at my church and it is a culturally mixed congregation. At the same time, I am watching couples struggle who married for the wrong reasons or who did not wait to be more grounded and it is tough. But, contrary to what she believes,people, faithful to God and service are connecting. The key is balance. What a lot of us miss is how it helps to have solid relationship with the Lord before you try to love and commit to another person. The key is to know what you need to fulfill your purpose and then to know when to go bowling,take a walk in the park or go to a BBQ with friends and family.
Wake up it is not the church or the men in the church it is narrow minded
females or females who have made a few bucks and think they are all this and that and do not know the word of GOD who said HE who finds a wife finds a good thing , we are not to look for them they are to look for us. let him seek after GOD and then seek you.
I am 31 years old and I am single and happy. It took me a long time to get to this point! I had to realize that there’s more to life then getting married and having babies! I had look within to see my issues and insecurities. I am happy and content until my mate comes. I will admit it took me a long time to get to this point and I may have more to go. When we come to church we should come to hear the Word of God, be empowered to help pursue purpose and his mission on the earth, and serve his people. I focus should be on Him and nothing else. Set your affection on thing above. Seek ye first the kingdom of God and all these things shall be added. While we are waiting we should be preparing. Have you ever stopped to consider the reason many of us are still single is because we aren’t properly prepared. Do you know how to cook, clean the house, budget your finances, care for a family? How’s your credit? What are you bringing to the table? Or are we more prepared for a wedding ceremony rather than a marriage? Marriage is ministry and hardwork! On the otherhand, life is not all about church. We should be enjoying our life do you know how to have fun? If you are dull and boring why would a man want to be connected to that! Travel see the world and let God be your man! When God is the apple of your eye you can’t go wrong! I can talk all day on this subject because I’m living it as I type lol! Be not weary in well doing for in due season you will reap if you faint not! Be Blessed
The remarks of the “Heathen” Ms. Cooper should forever be band from public reading since it’s not in any type of standing when it concerns the Black Church and the people who attends. It’s pretty much noticeable that her focus is what so many focuses on when they feel their biological clock is ticking or their hormones are quite not under control. So, what do we do we blame the “American” church. Wow !!! She really has things twisted to be insulting and not even knowing who or what is in the church.Is a man what you’re looking for then go to the club you probably left after being upset probably, because you couldn’t attract what you wanted.So what’s their left to do ? Attack the church and primarily everyone in it with untruths.Surely my dear that’s no way to get a man and definitely no way to reach God.
That is absolutely absurd the church does not keep women single and lonely. And is there a proof reader in the house to read these articles before you send them out? Too many type-o’s
The Church does not keep Black women single . As a Pastor of Churches , I want all of our members to be happily married, male & female and men are treated as men . The times ,society and choices have caused people to be single and not married. Its not the Church, its the morals , values and acceptance of the Nation where there is a break down of Family values.I pray the young lady that wrote this article will receive the healing she needs concerning Churches or whatever the real issues are.
The reason for so many single black women has very little to do with the church in my opinion. In a real true church of Jesus Christ, if you really read the word of God, and apply it to your life. Man, woman, young, old, black, white…..You will find that we are not all we think we are, we don’t know everything, we have unrealistic standards and ideals. We can blame crime, finances, society, and now the church, but none of them are the real problem. If you get in and stay in relationships that make you unhappy that is your fault, if you attract the wrong types of people then look at yourself!
When you come to Christ you have to examine yourself! Some women and men are happy single because they have peace and not the drama many black relationships have become popular for! Thanks to reality tv, and the drama in the lives of many black celebrities alot of black women and men use these as their examples for relationships. when you come to Christ none of that stuff is acceptable for singles, married couples, black, white, yellow….I’m sorry the writer of the article still has motives and agendas from the world that are keeping her from a true relationship with Christ. She may need to change churches, and she needs to get in the word of God. If she will allow herself to go spiritually, I think her perspective would change.
I am soooo tired of people with the Black Church business! Jesus is not a racist! Paul often spoke about division in the Church! This is the reason why we are so bound! I attend a church of the full spectrum! I love it! I am not going to only talk to black men that may have an interest in me. If I see this man and how he loves God, pays his tithes, has an active prayer life, and has his personal/business life together, it doesn’t matter what color he is, I will give it a chance. I think that Black women are missing out on something special by limiting our choices to our own race. Suppose God has a white, hispanic, or even another race man for you as your mate, you would tell God, “Well, this is not my preference Lord.. So, I know you are not God sent! I am meant to be with a brother!” How rude! It sounds like Adam when he told God that the woman you gave me made me do it! He wasn’t appreciative of what he had! My prayer is God if you have a mate for me, I don’t care what race he is. As long as he has geniune love for you, and has an active life with you, and I mean not in the presence of the pastor, but in your presence, I will accept and submit! We are the fault of our own unhappiness! God Bless.
Come on People, we must all be honest with ourselves. We may not like Cooper’s perspective but she is entitled to her opinion. As a member of a church that is predominately African American, I must admit that I believe that the church does not keep black women single and lonely but it does have the tendency to make single women feel unworthy. When you hear sermons from “men of God” that implies that black women will do any and everything for a man it makes single women with integrity second guess themselves.
I do not believe that this is the intention of the “black” church but I find that single women are not given the credit that they should be given. Anytime the church suggests that married women should always watch out for single women, it places the single woman in a place of loneliness. It makes her feel that everyone is looking to see if she is going to cheat with some married man. Unholy women exist in the church but every single woman should not be mistreated, disrespected, or abuse just because she is single.
Can I suggest to all of you that singleness is a gift. Every single woman is not looking to see what fish she can catch. Every single woman does not find your man attractive. Every single woman does not turn her head when a man walks in her path.
I believe there is some validity in some things that Cooper stated. Nevertheless, we are all clay that needs to be molded and shaped. As people of color, we find something to be at odds about. (Married vs. single; Baptist vs. apostolic; educated vs. uneducated) We should not get offended at everything that is stated about the church. There is some work that the church must do because it should be a healing ground for all people despite marital status. If every sermon deals with women shacking up, without reminded the people that she cannot shack by herself it solidifies why women feel single and lonely in the church. We preach about marriage and how it is ordained by God, but how are we lifting, supporting, encouraging, and elevating those that are SINGLE in the body of Christ?
OMG, It’s really exciting to see an article like this. I like writing comments, especially after read post I like, it is educational, I know how to make my blog looks better, great thanks for this.
It’s really took time to read all contents in this blog, but I feel it worth to read this. All comments are very useful to me.You must be very interested in this article. It will kill me if I worite a blog long as this.
sadly i believe the “black church” is the cause for so many single women! They walk around yelling and wanting a man, and the pastors male or female would rather have them serve at there house, cleaning, running, giving, etc. I know from watching as i grew up. I was different, i didnt fool with the men in the church because they werent anything i wanted. most men in the church i saw were abusers, liers, cheaters, and they were the ones up holding revivals and prayen for folks, or kissing the “single white female” in there spare time! lol i reached out and god gave me a man that wasnt religious and had his own mind. i been married for 11 years we have 3 kids…niether of us went to a COGIC church after marriage. we found a non-denomination church and grew with that. they are no longer so i call myself going back to the “black church” surely it couldnt be the same ive been gone for years….ha…its worse…if you keep them single then they can do everything for you! they say they want you married anad happy but thats a lie! i watch the poor single women with millions of kids….lol clearly she needs somthing! and we wont get into the married pastors who you might not even know they married cus they dont acknowledge the spouse or even talk about her, or travel with her….quietly kept….they want you to remain single. They need your attention, so big ups to cooper who wrote that article, i posted it on my FB and want every single black female to read it and see it… the world is not like it was years ago so go with it!!! FYI we are ANTI-church now….the church is not really church, its a joke!
Yes, it was not the college graduate, the educated one that followed and believed Jesus, it was the average normal sinner man, unlettered. (Acts 4:13) Now when they beheld the outspokenness of Peter and John, and perceived that they were men unlettered and ordinary, they got to wondering. And they began to recognize about them that they used to be with Jesus;
Jesus was a man, they even commented about him, remember Jesus was homeless Deborah Cooper, yes our Messiah, our Savior didn’t come flashy with credit cards and designer suits, in fact they said: Who do you think you are Jesus, we know where you lived, we know your mother, father, sisters, brothers, you’re the carpenter’s son. The same thing you’re saying about the brother’s they said about Jesus because he didn’t flash and was homeless.
(Matthew 13:55) Is this not the carpenter’s son? Is not his mother called Mary, and his brothers James and Joseph and Simon and Judas?
The guy working the 12-step program is learning how to be a real man of God. Especially if his momma didn’t teach him, you know, that sister that thinks she is too good to have a man unlettered.
If someone from a pulpit is preaching and suggesting to not date anyone outside of your religion/domination, don’t date non-Christians, practice celebacy, don’t have boyfriends, don’t go to the clubs or stay out of non-Christian environments, don’t wear make-up, and finally, suggesting the the Lord is all that you need….then yes, the church IS the reason why so many Black women remain single.
Ms. Cooper was disappointed by the men she met at church and this is understandable. The purpose of going to church is not to meet a man. A really Godly man is not looking for a woman in church. A GODLY woman is not looking for a man in church. Church is a time to focus on Jesus Christ and our personal relationship with him. Once we have gotten our relationship with Christ straight, all other relationships will fall into place.
As leader of a singles ministry though I am engaged (i was single when i started this ministry), the whole tone of the article is sensationalized and does not speak to specific points. I for one encourage singles of all genders and races that fellowship in and outside the church is a good thing in terms of not only finding a mate if one wants that, but just finding good friends.! No the church is not a set up joint so it is not their responsibility to provide mates. It is their responsibility to provide empowerment ,spiritually and emotionally, friendship, community, and place to go for respise from the horrors of life no matter what your marital status or gender!
However, I have found with many churches that singles in general are always asked to be so active and that I have a problem with. Also, there are some and I do say some that want their single professional women to not date outside their church for fear of loosing members, since most women when they do marry the start to attend their husband’s church. Each single must decide for themselves what is best for them. But telling a single christian that because most the world is not as believing or as church going so how can they expect to m rry means what? That something is wrong with them? Hilarious giving how much of the world is messed up and let’s not even talk about the black community..maybe not being so believing, and having a real relationship with God is where the problem resides and not with the church necessarily. I find this mindset especially funny since many of my women friends saved or otherwise are always complaining to me about their relationship problems, asking for prayer, and can they use my timeshare to get away for awhile! I see plenty of happy black couples in my church, some not so happy, and happy and not so happy singles!
To advise a single to stay home on sunday and hang out in starbucks or at the football game because many men are there, is like saying if most are doing drugs so should I! Talk about lowering one’s standards! Maybe other’s standards need to be uplifted! No a devout christian woman should not have to lower her worship to get a man, tell the man to improve his! I see woman friends not church going who are in relationships and are miserable or if okay, they are living or have lived with men who still not have not married them, or got rid of them after she helped him get his condo/ car/ etc! I meet alot of non-church going men with bad attitudes/ ego-centric issues/ selfishness/ mama’s boy mentalities/ and they get women to live with them and act like a wife and never gets his name, or their name on anything she helped him to buy! And you would tell me these are the better choices since they are in the majority? Hilarious!
Single christian woman need to stay in church so as to receive wisdom and empowerment so as not to fall for the junk that lies at the foot of many men, so -called christian and otherwise. That is what the church is for, and they should take some time to go other places for fun and fellowship and not think that their church is the only place to expect to meet someone, for that is the wrong outlook. One must move around and sisters need not fear that in doing so, one will get into trouble, that’s why we go to church to get the info to keep us from falling and thus being confident that we can fellowship in a variety of places..and keep our standards about ourselves! Ms. Cooper stated it is better to marry than to burn, well I’d rather deal with the burning than to lower my standards just to be married! The burning the Lord and I will deal with but to lower my worship just to land a man cheapens my faith and is an insult to my King!
It’s not the church fault that our men are chained to the legal system. From catching a case, child support and driving while black our men come into the world a target and black women especially Christians must understand that. This is not an excuse for them this is truth. What is a man to do when he prays and trys to do right with few examples, little support outside his momma and cops dangling handcuffs in his face at every turn. The cracks in the road are bigger than the road itself so our men either fall thru or learn to fly while our families are devastated generation after generation.